FWIW...

I can't believe I am admitting this...BLOGGING about it, nonetheless...but here goes...

Maybe its because I'm sort tipsy or because I was just a bridesmaid in my baby brother's wedding or because yet ANOTHER one of my friends has gotten engaged this week, but here it is. I am laying it all out. I'll probably be mortified in the morning, but this is how I feel about it.

I think the real reason why I am so anti-marriage/children/serious relationships is that I am so fundamentally damaged that I don't honestly believe I will ever find anyone insane enough to fall in love with me...let alone want to spend their life with me. After being in my brother's wedding and knowing how much his fiance (now wife's) family spent on her wedding and knowing my family doesn't have that set aside for me...even if I wanted a big, fancy wedding I'll NEVER be able to have that...I've just convinced myself that I don't want it and that no one else should either.

So if I seem like I don't care of like I'm being a total bitch about your wedding, please know that underneath all of that I'm jealous that I ultimately truly don't believe I'll ever be in that position and that if by chance I end up there, that I won't be able to make it what I want.

Ultimately, I do honestly love and adore all of you, but yeah...there is a part of me that is a little jealous and resentful of it. And I'm pretty sure you've all figured that out anyway. At least I am adult enough to admit it, right!?