So, tonight I went out and saw some friends who are in a band here in town. I ran into my BFF whom I've seen about 4 times since I moved to town...almost three months ago. Its no one's fault. I've been through some unusually crazy shit these few months and while I'm sure it seems to all of my "old friends" that I've abandoned them in lieu of a new life and a new set of friends this is simply just not the case. There is a sense of security I find with those new people and when I venture outside of that security blanket I find myself innundated with situations that may or may not freak me out and I never know what will or won't set me off.
The truth of the matter is that a common experience/sense of loss/grief ties all of us together in one way or another and some of us to varying extents, but ultimately we're all in the same boat. I've tried time and time again to reach out to other people in my life who were not involved in what happened and I've found it extremely difficult to relate to them.When I leave Athens I feel like I'm living that dream where you show up to the school dance completely naked. I feel as though I was the worst bridesmaid in the history of bridesmaids for my brother's now wife and I am heartsick about it, but when I'm out in public and not with anyone within relatively small, insulated group I find that I'm suddenly now the quiet, moody girl keeping to herself over in the corner. That was never me before, but its the essence of me now...and I'm not sure what to do with that.
I was out with some T&G friends tonight and ran into my best friend whom I've felt I've been neglecting these past few months and I very much wanted to stay and hang out with her. And I did. And we had a lot of fun. The party moved back to her place and as soon as we get inside her fiance starts throwing those little sidewalk cap things that pop and spark when the hit something. I freaked out a bit was trying so hard to hold my shit together because its something silly and I don't want to make an ass out of myself. We head outside and he continues to throw them and I end up basically having a complete emotional breakdown inside by myself until my BFF realizes I've been gone a long time and comes to find me. I didn't want to say anything and make anyone feel bad, but there is a certain level of awareness/sensitivity that is lacking amongst people who haven't been through this. She apologized and felt awful and went out to explain how that needed to stop, I felt like a total asshole for being a stick in the mud/emotional powderkeg, and was reminded of exactly why its so hard for me to be with my other friends/family lately...because they don't think about that. And why would they? Sometimes things like that don't bother me and other times I get so spooked that I can't function. And there's no way for either of us to know what's going to set it off. I hope they understand that and can wait for me.
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