Delilah, Christmas Songs

Okay...so its Christmas time. And according to Peach 94.9 its been Christmas time since before Thanksgiving. There are a few Christmas songs that really get to me and make me a little teary. They're typically the uber traditional ones...the shit that you sing at Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. I like my emotion subtle and uncoaxed. I am a Little Drummer Boy kind of girl. An O Come O Come Emmanuel girl if you will.

I get really pissed off when popular singers record these fucking insanely sad songs made sadder by the fact that they deal with Christmas. Case in point...that stupid ass Christmas Shoes song. Anyone know this song? If you're unfamilliar with this manipulative piece of shit let me post some lyrics for you...


"It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about"


Are you fucking kidding me!? What is sadder than a poor child with a dying mom? A poor child with a dying mom AT CHRISTMAS. This is supposed to make me weep and cherish my mother who isn't dying, right? It doesn't. It just pisses me off that you are trying to manipulate my emotions. Fuck that. This is the equivalent of those bullshit emails that people forward you intended to tug at your heartstrings, but instead piss you off because you just wasted time reading it.

There is a song written by one of my favorite songwriters of all-time, Ms Dolly Parton called Me & Little Andy. What? You've never heard of it? I'll bet if she'd set the story at Christmastime you'd hear it non-stop on Deliah from Novemeber through December. I will post the lyrics and I will add some suggested changes that Dolly should make so that this song becomes Christmas legend. Let me preface this by saying that I like this song, but for all the wrong reasons. Its terrible. And when Dolly does the little girl's voice its even more terrible. PLEASE track this down and give it a listen. It will make your day. Then you will burn in Hell for laughing about a girl and her dog dying.




Late one cold and stormy night I heard a dog a barkin (lets change night to christmas eve)
Then I thought I heard somebody at my door a knockin
I wondered who could be outdide in such an awful storm
Then I saw a little girl with a puppy in her arms
Before I could say a word she said, my name is sandy
And this here is my puppy dog, its name is little andy
Standing in the bitter cold in just a ragged dress
Then I asked her to come in and this is what she said
Chorus:

Aint ya got no gingerbread
Aint ya got no candy
Aint ya got an extra bed for me and little andy
Patty cake and bakersman
My mommy ran away again
And we was all alone and didnt know what else to do
I wonder if youll let us stay with you

Giddy up trotty horse, going to the mill (we can change this to giddy up jingle horse pick up your feet)
Can we stay all night
If you dont love us no one will
I promise we wont cry
London bridge is fallin down
My daddys drunk again in town
And we was all alone and didnt what we could do
I wonder if youll let us stay with you

She was just a little girl, not more than six or seven
But that night as they slept the angels took them both to heaven
God knew little andy would be lonesome with her gone
Now sandy and her puppy dog wont ever be alone

Aint ya got no gingerbread
Aint ya got no candy
Aint ya got an extra bed for me and little (whispers) andy



So wait just a goddamn minute...they die AFTER they've got a nice warm bed? That makes no sense to me. Did she have TB or some other disease before she even got there? Did she get hypothermia out in the cold and she couldn't thaw out? Was she poisoned by Dolly and her evil gingerbread? What the fuck is going on here?