That Irrational Jealousy...

that consumes you when you see pictures and videos of the awesome things that you recent ex is posting of the things he's doing and the places that he's going. Events and places that you would have been invited to, except that you weren't invited because those people aren't your friends anymore because they were really just his friends. So you aren't doing those things or invited to those places anymore. You're at home. Alone. Silently imploding. Too sad to leave your bed.

This may very well be the absolute worst feeling in the world. And there is no way to fix it.

And Thus It Begins...

My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago. We were together for two years and was the longest relationship I've ever been in. I am beside myself with feelings of grief and loneliness and all of those other things you feel when your relationships end. 

I am seeing a new lady doctor next week and I just had to fill out my medical history online. I lied and said I was still in a relationship. I'm not sure why, but it made me feel momentarily less sad about things. I'll fix it next year.

Just had a panic moment....

Thanks to Facebook I realized there are only two pictures in existence of us together. It's almost like we never happened. That makes me exceedingly sad for some reason. Much sadder than I thought I'd be.

CURRENTLY SEEKING:

A man who likes to dance and travel and would think it's funny to make up insane stories to try to get on Delilah. Inquire within.

Everything Seems So Much Better Next Door...

I was out walking my dog today and the house next door was having a dinner party. The dining room window faces the side of the house my apartment is on. It looked like such a wonderful party. It was elegant and sophisticated...things I'm not and, as such, could probably not recreate if I tried. The house next door is this very old house that looks a bit like the Haunted Mansion at Disney World. They've got this fantastic wooden playset for the kids in the backyard with these white lights strung up on it that they turn on occasionally at night. It looks magical with the lights on. The windows all over the house are HUGE and the ceilings are very high. This is the first time I've seen this kind of a dinner party over there. It was around 8:30pm and there were silver candlesticks all around the room and on the table and all of the candles were lit. The room was glowing and everyone around the table seemed to be glowing as well. It looked like the family (the couple and their two children) and an older couple...maybe grandparents? It seemed perfect in every imaginable way and all I wanted was to be in there and be a part of it.

test.

still trying to get this to stop feeding over to facebook. ugh!

Just Want to Feel Normal Again...

So, tonight I went out and saw some friends who are in a band here in town. I ran into my BFF whom I've seen about 4 times since I moved to town...almost three months ago. Its no one's fault. I've been through some unusually crazy shit these few months and while I'm sure it seems to all of my "old friends" that I've abandoned them in lieu of a new life and a new set of friends this is simply just not the case. There is a sense of security I find with those new people and when I venture outside of that security blanket I find myself innundated with situations that may or may not freak me out and I never know what will or won't set me off.

The truth of the matter is that a common experience/sense of loss/grief ties all of us together in one way or another and some of us to varying extents, but ultimately we're all in the same boat. I've tried time and time again to reach out to other people in my life who were not involved in what happened and I've found it extremely difficult to relate to them.When I leave Athens I feel like I'm living that dream where you show up to the school dance completely naked. I feel as though I was the worst bridesmaid in the history of bridesmaids for my brother's now wife and I am heartsick about it, but when I'm out in public and not with anyone within relatively small, insulated group I find that I'm suddenly now the quiet, moody girl keeping to herself over in the corner. That was never me before, but its the essence of me now...and I'm not sure what to do with that.

I was out with some T&G friends tonight and ran into my best friend whom I've felt I've been neglecting these past few months and I very much wanted to stay and hang out with her. And I did. And we had a lot of fun. The party moved back to her place and as soon as we get inside her fiance starts throwing those little sidewalk cap things that pop and spark when the hit something. I freaked out a bit was trying so hard to hold my shit together because its something silly and I don't want to make an ass out of myself. We head outside and he continues to throw them and I end up basically having a complete emotional breakdown inside by myself until my BFF realizes I've been gone a long time and comes to find me. I didn't want to say anything and make anyone feel bad, but there is a certain level of awareness/sensitivity that is lacking amongst people who haven't been through this. She apologized and felt awful and went out to explain how that needed to stop, I felt like a total asshole for being a stick in the mud/emotional powderkeg, and was reminded of exactly why its so hard for me to be with my other friends/family lately...because they don't think about that. And why would they? Sometimes things like that don't bother me and other times I get so spooked that I can't function. And there's no way for either of us to know what's going to set it off. I hope they understand that and can wait for me.

FWIW...

I can't believe I am admitting this...BLOGGING about it, nonetheless...but here goes...

Maybe its because I'm sort tipsy or because I was just a bridesmaid in my baby brother's wedding or because yet ANOTHER one of my friends has gotten engaged this week, but here it is. I am laying it all out. I'll probably be mortified in the morning, but this is how I feel about it.

I think the real reason why I am so anti-marriage/children/serious relationships is that I am so fundamentally damaged that I don't honestly believe I will ever find anyone insane enough to fall in love with me...let alone want to spend their life with me. After being in my brother's wedding and knowing how much his fiance (now wife's) family spent on her wedding and knowing my family doesn't have that set aside for me...even if I wanted a big, fancy wedding I'll NEVER be able to have that...I've just convinced myself that I don't want it and that no one else should either.

So if I seem like I don't care of like I'm being a total bitch about your wedding, please know that underneath all of that I'm jealous that I ultimately truly don't believe I'll ever be in that position and that if by chance I end up there, that I won't be able to make it what I want.

Ultimately, I do honestly love and adore all of you, but yeah...there is a part of me that is a little jealous and resentful of it. And I'm pretty sure you've all figured that out anyway. At least I am adult enough to admit it, right!?

On the Verge...

of huge motherfucking crocodile tears as I type. Yep...apparently I (and several other of my friends who are equally inept at reading a fucking movie schedule) missed the last night of Annie Hall @ Cine, which I just found out was last night. Well, fuck you, Cine! Yeah...that's right, you're dead to me. This lead me to wonder, "hey, if I were going to host my own film festival what would I show?" Here's what I came up with.

The 1st Annual I'm-By-No-Means-A-Cinephile-But-I-Damn-Sure-Like-Movies Film Festival lineup:

Persona (just to freak Brooke out)

Annie Hall/Manhattan (these would have their own screen and would run back to back the entire festival)

13 Going on 30 (don't fucking judge me)

Synecdoche, NY (but I would require a private screening for myself with no one else there because I don't want any other people around for my total emotional breakdown that happens whenever I watch this movie)

Troll 2/Frankenhooker/Slumber Party Massacre 2/ Evil Dead 2

THE muhfukin' ROOM (complete with a stimulating Q & A with cinematic genius Tommy Wiseau)

Oh, and that little movie Casablanca.

What a Fantastic Evening...

I saw one of my very favorite plays tonight. And it was the best version of it I've ever seen. How wonderful it is when that happens. It was gutwrenching and hilarious and damn near perfect. *sigh* I'm very excited about seeing Annie Hall in an actual theatrical setting tomorrow night. I'm watching Manhattan as I type to get into the right mindset. I wish it were Manhattan I were seeing at Cine tomorrow night, but Annie Hall is a very close second as far as "Movies I Need to See in a Theater." There are a lot of movies on that list.